I was running errand with Carter 2 days ago when our realtor called to tell me the title had been recorded and it was all over. Our house was no longer ours. I cried. Carter reached across the seat and put his arm around me. He said, “It’s ok mom. We are going on a grand adventure.” I couldn’t help but smile. He was right… we are about to depart on a GRAND ADVENTURE and there is nothing to cry about.
Later that day while talking to one of my sisters, I came to a realization. I’m not sure if I have mentioned it, but I have been crying A LOT lately, though I have nothing to be sad about. I am SO excited for our trip. Anyway, as my sister and I talked about life and the unknown of the next few months for her and my family, it dawned on me… I’m not crying because I am sad, I am crying because I have no control.
I like control. I am a planner. I want to decide when things are going to happen, what it will look like, and I want to know everything will turn out the way I have it in my mind.
My sister Amy is a planner. They are ALWAYS coming up with new plans. If Amy and Jake announce they are biking across the country, she will have the whole thing planned to the mile and the penny in a matter of hours, and then the next day change her mind and be backpacking across Europe. THEY have grand adventures and are always planning the next one, and their plans often change on their way there.
I am a bit different. I want a plan, I want to control it and follow it through until its done. This is where the problem lies…. this new life does not allow for absolute control. I have huge spans of blank days in my calendar where not only do I not know what we will be doing that day, I don’t know where we will be, what we will be eating or even how I will be doing the laundry. That is A LOT to ask of a planner with control issues.
So my new task and spiritual growth goal is to let go… to live in the moment and have faith that He is in control, that the things that need to happen will and the rest will fall by the way side.